EWA Exclusive - Vaudevillains on The Tonight Show

The Tonight Show returns from an ad break with Jimmy Fallon sat behind his desk. The crowd explode into applause for their host.

JIMMY FALLON: Welcome back! We've got Ricky Gervais on the show soon to talk about his upcoming Netflix special, and we have a very special appearance from a cinema legend. But first, we've got two very special guests. They are the Tag Team Champions of the EWA, the e-Wrestling Alliance. They are Simon Gotch and Aiden English, The Vaudeville Villains!

A jazz/swing version of 'Vaux de Ville' plays as Aiden English and Simon Gotch appear in street clothes with their Tag Team Championships held aloft. The audience cheer these two men, as all good trained chatshow audiences tend to do. The pair shake Fallon's hands, and take a seat at his desk.

JIMMY FALLON: Welcome, welcome!

SIMON GOTCH: What was that?!

JIMMY FALLON: What was what?

SIMON GOTCH: We are The Vaudevillains, not the Vaudeville Villains, please get our name right Mr Fallon!

Fallon laughs.

JIMMY FALLON: Hahaha, my apologies guys!

AIDEN ENGLISH: I don't think this is any laughing matter. And please address us as Sir or Mr.

JIMMY FALLON: Err, sure. Anyway Sirs, welcome to the show! And congratulations on winning your Tag Team Championships at Collision Course!

AIDEN ENGLISH: Thank you Mr Fallon. This is something that has been years in the making for us. We have fought for years to get to the EWA, and the championships has been our aim since joining the e-Wrestling Alliance.

SIMON GOTCH: We had two aims: to restore these championships to their past glories, and to enlighten the world by restoring society. The first aim is a work in progress. But by winning these championships, we've finally been given a platform to enlighten the world and correct society. We're here on your show, and now we can get to work righting the wrongs of the world.

JIMMY FALLON: So you're the new champions, the next EWA PPV Civil War is coming up shortly, who are your next contenders?

AIDEN ENGLISH: Actually Mr Fallon, there is nobody lined up. The Kings of Wrestling put out a challenge last week on Sunday Night SLAM, but of course we turned it down.

SIMON GOTCH: Quite simply, nobody can stand up to us. Nobody has earned a shot, not the Kings of Wrestling, or anyone. Besides which, nobody wants to be the remedy society so sorely needs. We've identified that the ills of the world need fixing, and nobody will get in the way of our most honourable mission.

JIMMY FALLON: So by ills of the world, what do you mean?

AIDEN ENGLISH: We are purveyors of the past, fans of old-school wrestling and the golden age of cinema. We know how men used to act, and I tell you now those men would turn in their graves to see how people act nowadays.

SIMON GOTCH: People today use such rude and abrasive language. They are impolite. They litter. They spend their days looking at their phone rather than interacting with their friends, families and partners. The poison in society runs deep, and only we have stood up to try and fix it.

JIMMY FALLON: So you've talked about using my show as a platform to right the wrongs, do you have a message for our audience?

AIDEN ENGLISH: We do. Now listen up ladies and gentlemen. You may well be lazy. You may be ignorant. You may swear and curse. But it isn't too late to change.

SIMON GOTCH: Now... why tell you how to act, when we can show you first-hand. There's a special guest backstage, I think you know who he is Mr Fallon. He is an octogenarian. He is the last remaining legend of the golden age of cinema. He is a perfect specimen, polite, honourable, witty. He is the template for all good men.

AIDEN ENGLISH: Please welcome our guest... Kirk Douglas!

The audience explode into cheers as the house band play a jazz version of 'Lust For Life' by Iggy Pop, prompting the arrival of Kirk Douglas.

The cheers subside a little as the man himself still hasn't shown. The band stop playing.

JIMMY FALLON: Where is he?

SIMON GOTCH: I don't know, we met him earlier. He said he'd come and meet us.

AIDEN ENGLISH: He's old, probably a little hard of hearing, let's announce it again. Joining us at this time... KIRK... DOUGLAS!

The band explode into life once more, and the audience cheer for the bonafide movie legend once more. Still, there is no sign of Mr Douglas.

Suddenly, on a screen by Jimmy Fallon's side, we see Kirk Douglas sitting backstage, and either side of him are Cesaro and Chris Hero, their hands on Kirk's shoulders. The audience cheer.

JIMMY FALLON: Kirk Douglas! Hello! And... and who are you two?

CESARO: Good evening to you, Jimmy. We are The Kings of Wrestling - the only tag team in the e-Wrestling Alliance worth talking about. And the RIGHTFUL EWA Tag Team Champions.

CHRIS HERO: Since you and your viewers are probably a little slow I'll elaborate for you. My name is Chris Hero, my buddy here is Cesaro. And I'm sure you already know this guy right here.

Hero slaps Douglas on his upper back, causing the older man to dip forward a bit. He quickly rights himself though with Hero's help, the whole while keeping a smile on his face.

CESARO: Those two "superstars" you've got out there with you are in denial. They are well aware that Chris and I are the rightful contenders for those titles they're keeping warm for us.

CHRIS HERO: There's a reason they call us the Kings, Fallon. We've beaten every team we've been put up against. Including those two clowns out there with you. Not only THAT, but we were never given our proper rematch for our titles after we were unfairly forced to defend them a week before Superbrawl. Now we gotta get our belts back, and they’re being held captive by those two f**king idiots you’ve got on with you.

JIMMY FALLON: Hate to cut you off fellas but you've got to watch your lang...

CESARO: Don't TV talk us, Fallon. We know you've got people on the staff to watch for stuff like that. Chris here will be sure they earn their paycheck tonight. Now you see, when we got word that the Vaudevillains would be guests on The Tonight Show, well we just knew we would have to make our presence known. Like I said, if you want a REAL superstar tag team to help advertise for EWA and Civil War. Well, look no further.

Cesaro says with a smirk, his eyes gleaming as they look into the camera.

CHRIS HERO: So when we showed up to good ol' NYC and got backstage, you can imagine our surprise when we bumped into a certified badass in Kirk here! I mean, this dude is legendary!

Hero goes to slap Douglas on the shoulder again but recalls what happened last time and takes a little umph out of the pat, instead gently patting the living legend on the shoulder.

CESARO: One hundred and two years old and still with all his marbles. Impressive. In fact, we've been telling him all about you two. About how you cheated to win the championships. About how you two have been anything but polite and honorable. And especially how we made you two look silly last year at Sin City Survival. You guys remember that, don't you? Chris actually pulled it up on his phone earlier and showed it to Mr. Douglas. He's got one thing to say to you two...

The camera centers on the legendary actor, who looks up into the lens with a smirk and a half-squint.

KIRK DOUGLAS: You two are far from gentlemen. You are boys! Back in my day, we used to call boys like you 'blimps'. Do you know why? Because of your inflated egos... and all it takes is a tiny little pin to deflate you.

CHRIS HERO: Oh man! Looks like Kirk here has your number, boys. You’re a couple of blimps. Epic burn.

CESARO: Nothing but balloons full of hot air. Couldn't have said it better myself.

CHRIS HERO: Go ahead, you f*cks. Keep denying us what we rightfully earned. You didn’t get it before, but you’re gonna understand us now. See, we want our belts back, and you can play all the games you want, but people have been trying to play us since we got together, and we’ve always managed to come out on top. We’re gonna hound you two to the ends of the earth til we get our belts back.

CESARO: Hour after hour. Wherever you Villains are trying to spread your "good" word we'll be right behind you proving how "good" your words really are.

CHRIS HERO: Oh yeah!

Hero looks as if he's remembered something, leaning forward and whispering something in Douglas' ear. The old man starts chuckling before turning to Hero.

KIRK DOUGLAS: Huh? They LOST to the bWo? What is a "bWo"?

CHRIS HERO: You don’t wanna know, man.

AIDEN ENGLISH: That's enough!

The screen returns to the Tonight Show set, with English and Gotch standing tall, shouting down towards the camera.

AIDEN ENGLISH: Do you want to see men? Do you want to see two people treating these titles with honour? Come meet us in the ring next week... to sign a contract for a title match!

SIMON GOTCH: And Mr Douglas, sir? You will have a front-row seat. We are far from blimps, sir. We are the EWA Tag Team Champions, the saviours of society!

JIMMY FALLON: Okay, that's all we've got time for! Thanks to the EWA Tag Team Champions, The Vaudevillains, and to the Kings of Wrestling! Join us after the break when I speak to Kirk Douglas and Ricky Gervais! Back soon!