EWA Examination - Father James Mitchell - Dates at Sonic

RJ CITY: My name is RJ City and this is EWA Examination where I, RJ City, sit down with some of the biggest stars in the world of EWA and get to know them and what they’re all about. This week’s guest is a man who I’m going to need to watch my mouth around. He’s a man of the faith. It’s Father James Mitchell! Jim, thanks for coming on with me today.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: It is my pleasure, child. Who am I to turn from the pulpit and a chance to touch the minds and hearts of the lost little lambs out there?

RJ CITY: Let’s try and keep the touching to a minimum, please. You manage a team called The Red Wedding. Was red your first choice? Because where I come from, if you wear red to a wedding, it means you had a fling with the groom.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: In my experience the best weddings start with a fling with the groom and ends with a fling with the maid of honor in the bathroom at the reception. Besides, what's wrong with red? Are you telling me that you think either of my girls could pull off wearing white?

RJ CITY: I think Billy Idol said it perfectly when he said “it’s a nice day for a white wedding.” He never said anything about a red wedding! I mean, what was wrong with white? Were other colors taken?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: He also said that "it's a nice day to start again." So perhaps you should pause a moment, consider who you're speaking with, consider what direction you're taking this interview in, and start again.

RJ CITY: We’re already too far in to just start from scratch, Jim. I’ll try and clean up my act. Don’t need the church coming at me. You’ve had quite a managerial history here in EWA. I mean, a real vast array of men and women in your past. Any regrets along the way?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Hmm... probably should have reconsidered Kane as a client. Though I felt like I was a different person entirely back then. Aside from that, I believe my record is impeccable.

RJ CITY: So, just to be clear, there’s no regrets about any people that may have been - for lack of a better term - resurrected or brought back on your EWA journey?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Oh no regrets on who I've brought back. PCO won King of the Ring and then the title, Su Yung won the Women's title, and now she and Rosemary have won the Molly Holly-Helms Cup. If anything, I regret my inability to resurrect a few others who have passed on beyond the veil but there are limitations that even I can't push past.

RJ CITY: All right then…I suppose that makes one of us.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: You’ve resurrected some people along the way of your EWA journey? What was your methodology? Necromancy? Chaos Magick? OH! Did you sell your soul to the spirit of Carol Channing? I knew there was something familiar about you!

RJ CITY: Please don’t besmirch Carol Channing. I could never stand toe to toe with her. Right now, there’s thousands of viewers that are going to have to google Ms. Channing now. Listen, this interview format takes many twists and turns along the way. This may be a career resurrection for you, James!

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: My career needs to be resurrected? I didn't even know I was sick!

RJ CITY: What is the best way to resuscitate someone’s career? Is it your standard mouth to mouth or are there other variations you’ve used?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I mean... with PCO we just needed a car battery and a pair of jumper cables. It's not much but it's honest work.

RJ CITY: Okay, well that was disturbing albeit resourceful.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: You're telling me. The worst part is digging all of the maggots out of his nose and ears.

RJ CITY: A problem we’ve all had to deal with. James, what fellowship did you obtain your fatherhood from?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I started with the Church of Satan as a young lad but my proper education took place deep within the Carpathian Mountains.

RJ CITY: Now, is that an accredited state university?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: My line of schooling doesn't really abide well with federal oversight. How about you, young man? Where did you go to school?

RJ CITY: Me? I went to the school of hard knocks. It’s in Parts Unknown, you probably aren’t familiar with it.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Oh, I’m very familiar with unknown parts! I have a summer residence on the corner of "F[BLEEP] Around" and "Find Out." In fact, I aided my dear friend UltraMantis Black's reelection campaign for Mayor! Do you ever stop by the old neighborhood? Are you going to be attending the reunion?

RJ CITY: Jim…James…c’mon man.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I'd prefer "Father" or "Mr. Mitchell."

RJ CITY: Mr. Mitchell, what’s the best part of a wedding?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I like the tension in the room after the minister asks "Should anyone present know of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace." I've been known to slip bored waiting staff a couple of bucks just to stand up and object just to see what happens.

RJ CITY: Do you have a cake preference?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Devil's Food Cake, obviously.

RJ CITY: Have you considered the idea of just being a wedding planner? Cause I have to be honest, some of this you’re mentioning sounds fantastic.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: It wouldn't be my first choice but I wouldn't mind helping the bride practice for the honeymoon. Seems like an awful lot of responsibility though. I have a feeling that the first time a mouthy bride raised her voice to me a fireball may somehow shoot out of my hand and the wedding is canceled due to facial disfigurement. How about you? You seem like you're nosy enough to be a great wedding planner.

RJ CITY: Weddings? No, that’s a fool’s errand, Jimothy. My dream job outside of this is probably working at a hatchery. Like, a place where they breed and grow fish. Well, either that or owning a Sonic Drive In restaurant.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Seriously? Sonic?

RJ CITY: We don’t have them in Canada. It’s like a forbidden fruit.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Forbidden fruit? No thank you.

RJ CITY: Not a fruit guy, Jim?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I do enough to avoid scurvy. Anything more than that and you're showing off.

RJ CITY: A diet is very important. Not just for the wrestlers but managers too. I assume you do well taking care of that physique of yours?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I'm flattered you think so. My body is a temple, RJ. One dedicated to the hedonistic and the taboo but a temple all the same.

RJ CITY: So, no Sonic?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I would rather go hungry.

RJ CITY: That’s a shame. As a father, did you get anything for Father’s Day back in June?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Coincidentally I don't have any children. I do, however, have many young women who call me "Daddy." Do you have any young men or women who gave you any gifts on "Daddy's" Day, RJ?

RJ CITY: As far as Father’s Day goes, I celebrate privately. Think you should consider doing more things privately as well, Jim.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: A word of advice from man to man, RJ, the younger ones tend to get upset if you keep them a secret. The last thing you want is one of these Generation Z children making "Tik Toks" and calling you out on Twitter.

RJ CITY: Just appreciate you referring to me as a man. Jim, your team won the inaugural Molly Holly-Helms Tag Team Tournament Cup or MHHTTTC for short. I shudder to even ask this, but it’s on my list. Is it like the Stanley Cup where you’re each allowed a day with the cup and if so, what did you do on your day?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Well I know it's tradition to drink some sort of celebratory libation from the cup. Who am I to disagree?

RJ CITY: A surprisingly wholesome but as always vague answer…

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: If you dilute calf's blood with just a little bit of milk from its own mother it tastes quite sweet.

RJ CITY: …and there it is. There’s not much about you that you hide from people, is there Jim?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: Perish the thought. My life is an open book. It just so happens to be a book with very detailed illustrations.

RJ CITY: There’s actually something a little admirable there. When is the last time you went on a date?

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: I wouldn't call what I do "dates" per chance... more of a clandestine encounter culminating with the exchange of genetic material for the purpose initiating contact with an Eldritch being on the cusp of reality.

RJ CITY: I tell you what, when this is done, you and I? Let’s go grab some food. You put on your finest red tuxedo and let’s hit the town.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: It's been some time since I was approached by a younger man but I won't turn it down.

RJ CITY: I hope you like Sonic.

FATHER JAMES MITCHELL: And I hope you like summoning unspeakable horrors from the outer cosmos.